year in review (2021)

if i make this unreadable no one can read it

it all started when the quarantine fucked me up and i started therapy again and finally got adhd meds (my meds have worn off right now as u can probably tell). i felt like a different person as i said many times at that time. this was in the midst of starting to make twitter friends and ummmm how do i say apparently its true once ur medicated ur not as chronically online but. because i was making friends on twt and i also literally couldn't see my irls like at all (we videocalled every friday but) that kinda IS the social grounds in the quarantine isn't it. anyway point being i became very productive around this time and wrote a lot of dreamwidth posts. like i have a feeling it was march or april that i started medicating and lo and behold look who started posting on dw in april? who wrote three fics the first being completed in april? there u go. and i know 3 is like, idk grass to most writers (wtf is this metaphor) but ummmm im me and that means i cant do shit so this is an accomplishment. this also trails back into 2020 but when i made my first close friend on twt (leaf) and we began talking more i developed a confidence i hadn't had my entire life and so i'm really grateful to have firstly, leaf in my life, and secondly that it led to such good things for my personal self esteem (which can still dip very easily let me be clear, but there's a baseline confidence that was smashed to bits in high school that i regained or actually developed even stronger than before). there were times i felt guilty even making friends on twitter like i was spreading myself too thin and then not being a good enough friend to any one person but i don't think anyone here would complain about that other than my random long bouts of absenteeism from dms (i'm sorry about that i really am i get overwhelmed easily). idk i just make problems for myself by thinking what if everyone thought this. like for example very often i go "what if ripley hates me" and i cant even answer that, so u can say my self esteem isn't exactly stable. and to be honest i be therapizing everyone else in dms but i also need therapizing lol. (do therapists get therapy? i wonder how it feels knowing exactly what ur therapist is thinking and doing though like i feel like i'd go insane instead of gaining anything from the experience) i feel bad for making my gf hear all my bullshit negative thoughts all the time like id be so fed up with myself (i am fed up with myself) to hear all that. oh speaking of that's riiiight this is a year in review. so summer months very productive fandomwise counting down the days til i could leave my home (and the insanities it brought out in me) and live in the apartment. did prk fixed my eyesights was kinda blind for a bit (but now i have 20/20 vision in my right eye and 20/15 vision in my left eye and it's almost 20/15 + 20/10 actually with 20/10 being the best eyesight u can have? holy shit and it's still healing until february so it's possible it could get that good. i see specks of dust no one else can these days it's kinda crazy). uni began and i was lucky to have a very easy semester all things considered meanwhile all my aptmates were like dying every night so it gave me time to worry about them (which is great because i was like REALLY worried about them and im glad i could help in literally any way) and also go on a trip to philly and get drunk and confess to my crush of 5 billion years. just kidding but 6 and a half years out of [redacted] is essentially equivalent. anyway we're dating now and apparently she also liked me back then too so wtf were we doing. that's right we were trying not to die of stress back then. makes sense :") my unexplored traumas. or explored and yet still not explored enough.

i passed my classes and cried a lot over classes also even though i said it was a relatively easy semester remember how i also said i create problems for myself? i really did. girl i hate myself sometimes. everything is like existential and a crisis with me. all my strengths turn into weaknesses etc etc nobody show this to potential employers pls and thank u

i thought this would be way more upbeat than it actually is hdfksngkdgfds but anyway spent a lot of good times with gf however haven't seen her in 3 weeks almost 4 and maybe it's pitiful to be seriously torn apart over this but apparently we both have been so. well her sister was exposed to covids so she can't even come to my bday party tmrw so fml of course im a little torn up about that. and she couldn't see me on my bday because i needed to get tested for covids at that time. :((((

i really want to do what flo did and name people and say things but i'm really worried i'm going to forget to list someone and then i feel ashamed that i might forget someone like i swear it doesn't mean anything i'm just incredibly scatterbrained. so actually if u would like me to say something u can leave a comment and i'll say something and u can even tell me the scope of what u want to hear (cute and nice or analytical or critical or whatever it is) (okay critical may have very little so maybe don't ask me for that but i can do analytical) (u can ask me to mbti type u also esp if i said i would earlier this year dw i did think about it and probably have an answer)

if i do a review of like what i wish i could have improved or done better on this post would never end so i'll just do a list of things i want to do? that may never end also. i'll try to keep it short for this post's sake.

future plans:

- huoguo networking au with moch

- OMG. #najaembday dw commentary as well

- research + read + apply art techniques

- learn how to use the palette knives mich (irl) got me on the gouache she also got me (just kidding i know i will just fuck around and find out but i hope i at least do the fucking around part and don't forget about them)

- maybe compile the things i learn from various sources so as to refer to it when im stuck or disseminate that knowledge to peers (may or may not be the members of the art club i am now co-running)

- research storytelling structure (esp 3-act structure)

- start learning chinese again

- write more dw posts and care less about what other people think of how theyre formatted or written or what they'll assume about me based on it? because i think that's holding me back. and to kick that off i'm writing this post like this

- learn how to make clothes and actually make some

- learn how to design clothes also

- finish embroidering for gf's bday gift (in case she sees this somehow im not specifying any further than that)

- maybe do some planks/crunches/pushups to better define my abs (lol)

- write fics and try not to get caught up on how stupid it reads before it's even done

- write dvd commentaries for fics!!

- type up those quotes i saved from deep wizardry for a dw post and actually post them

- read neuromancer (the way i be begging myself to read one [1] book)

- make more informational ppts on niche things

- review/edit/post the dreamies ppt

- read the things i promised to read and comment on things i promised to comment on

- reply to comments on various platforms

- spend as much time with gf before is too late and our life situations force us to see eo less :"(

- pick one: law or business

- NOT get covids

omfg this list is too long i will stop it here. as u can see i have things i want to do vs things i actually accomplish per year (maybe 2 things i'm not even confident about that). i feel like someone with basic organization and productivity levels could do most of this why cant iiii. well i always try to do 3000 things at once at varying levels of success so maybe the meds will help me actually do some of it like it did for me this past year. thank u modern medicine. would i be here today without you. highly unlikely. if u got this far u have my blessings on any one desire of ur heart u choose to apply it to. <3